Comfortably Numb
by Femmeslashxqueen
Summary: Harry has lost one of the people he has loved most in the world.  What else is new?  He needs something to help him ease his pain.  But will the one thing that eases his pain be the reason for his sadness?  M for mature theme and character death. REVIEWS!
1. Comfortably Numb

Harry had rehearsed this moment over and over in his mind, ever since he owled Hermione with his urgent request for her to come home from Albania. She was there visiting with her parents when she received it. He was struggling with something Hermione knew nothing about..a dangerous addiction, one that unsurfaced an even more dangerous mental illness that laid dormant in his mind since he defeated Voldemort only five years before. No magic could help him now, he had tried that. He reeled for months over the loss of Professor Dumbledore, and Sirius. But that was nothing compared to what he felt as he heard the killing curse uttered from Rodolfus Lestrange's mouth, saw the jet of green light, and the sickening thud Ronald Weasley made as he hit the cold earth. He heard screams from everywhere, but not because of Ron, they hadnt noticed him yet; they were cries of anger, revenge.

Lives were lost that night; George, McGonagal, Luna, Flitwick – but nothing hit him like the loss of Ron. He was his best friend, and it was that that promted the animal inside Harry..he aimed his wand at each death eater in turn, killing every last one, until only Voldemort remained. He turned his wand on him, and cried the last words Voldemort would ever hear. He hit the floor and the cries of anger turned to whoops of joy. He wanted none of it though..he just wanted to be alone. The pain of losing Ron was too much. He needed to not feel for a little while. He went to his house and called his muggle friend, who dappled in drugs. He knew this wasn't the answer, but he needed something now. He asked him if he could'nt buy something off of him. They met in an alley off Little Whinging. This did nothing to make him feel any better, seeing as he had to pass right by his old house to get there.

He met the man and exchanged meaningless hellos. They made their deal, and he left the alley with a bag of powder in his hand. He wondered for a moment if this was the right thing, but Ron came swimming into his head, and he buried the thought..he needed to gte his mind off Ron, and quick..but that had to wait. He passed by Number four, and every memory of his pathetic childhood came to him. H remembered Dudley, fat and stupid, lumbering after him. He remembered his aunt and uncle, assholes though they were, and smiled. He wondered briefly what had become of them after their awkward departure, and turned on his heel back toward where he apparated from.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvx

_Hello?  
Is there anybody in there?  
Just nod if you can hear me.  
Is there anyone home?  
Come on, now.  
I hear you're feeling down.  
Well I can ease your pain,  
Get you on your feet again.  
Relax._

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvx

As he melted the powder that night, he felt hollow inside. There was a feeling there he never thought he would experience in his life. It was the feeling of total and complete emptiness. He loaded the melted powder into the needle, and shot it into his arm. The feeling was instantaneous. He felt so calm and at ease. Every thought of loss and emptiness were filled, a sort of happy sadness crept into him, and he was numb to anything going on around him. He was unaware of taking off his clothes, and laying on the couch..he was unaware of dropping the needle onto the floor. He relished the feelimg, and at last..he was comfortably numb.


	2. Downward spiral

This new discovery of Harry's was the only thing that got him through the day. It was such a wonderful high that he looked forward to it every night. He felt joy as he melted the powder into that wonderful liquid, loaded it into a needle and shot it into his arm. Soon, he would feel numb again, a feeling he had become quite accustomed to.

Hermione was concerned that something was going on with Harry, but she didnt look into it just yet, she needed to give it some time..her healer duties were very demanding. She was up at very odd hours in the night, called in whenever there was some emergency. She barely ever slept. Her moods swung, and she didnt eat very much. She also volunteered at a muggle hospital down the road from St. Mungo's two or three times a week. She loved this life.

She went over Harry's on a rare day off, and he was acting strangely. His eyes were weird..they looked like his pupils were the size of pins, and he seemed very different. "Hi, Harry." He didnt answer her, but his head nodded. "How is everything? Ive been ok, but my job so demanding." Harry's head drooped backward, and his mouth hung open. He looked as if he was falling asleep, but Hermione was very sure this was not the case at all. She shooked his shoulders. "Hermione.." His speech was slurred, this was the point she really started to worry. "Harry, are you HIGH?!"

Hermione's distant screams were meaningless to him. All he cared about was the euphoria creeping its way through his bloodstream, the beginning of a wonderful rush, one step closer to being comfortably numb. He slurred "yes" and "no" when she had a pause in speech, but otherwise, he didnt barely listen.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvx

_I need some information first.  
Just the basic facts:  
Can you show me where it hurts?_

There is no pain, you are receding.  
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.  
You are only coming through in waves.  
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.  
When I was a child I had a fever.  
My hands felt just like two balloons.  
Now I got that feeling once again.  
I cant explain, you would not understand.  
This is not how I am.  
I have become comfortably numb.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvx

Hermione was unabashedly crying now. Harry started to feel bad, and say sorry. She didnt want to hear it, though. Storming out the door, she told Harry he needed help. He didnt see it yet, though..another young kid deep in the game.


	3. The Overdose

The fight with Hermione had no affect whatsoever on Harry. All he cared about was getting high. He thought morning, noon and night about the drug; it had taken him over. There was nothing he or anyone else could do to stop it now.

The following night, as Harry was shooting up, there was a knock on the door. He ignored it and kep doing what he was doing. But the knock was insistant. Abandoning his needle, which he had already used, he walked to the door as the rush started to hit him. He opened the door and said hello only half-heartedly. It was Ginny who was standing in the doorway, real concern in her eyes. Harry didnt know, but Ginny was still in love with him. He was aware of what was going on, but it was difficult to respond. When he did, his speech was slurred. He was high as a kite now. Drifting in and out of consciousness, he let himself ride out the rush, enjoying every second. He was part of everything around him; he was a note in the music playing in the room, he was the ink in every letter in the magazines on the table - he was a part of everything. Not long after this, he fell asleep on the couch, a used needle in his hands.

Ginny laid herself next to Harry, a sad look on her face. No smile had laid here for months now, ever since Ron died. She could only think of him, and how she blamed herself for his death; she had been fight the death eaterthat killed him. A deep depression had settled itself in her heart, and her problems lay deeper than any of them thought. Her drinking problem did nothing to help, either. She had realized that Harry was using a month or so before, when she saw the tracks on his arms. She was concerned about him. She had noticed that lately, he had no appetite, and because of that, he had dramatic weight loss. He was moody, agitated, and jump all the time, or else he was incredibly calm. You could never predict which Harry you would get. That is what prompted Ginny to look into Harry's behavior; she had already suspected drug use, but HEROIN?! Why in the world would he use something so addictive? This is exactly what she would ask him as soon as he woke. When he finally stirred, he was no longer high.

"Harry, we really need to talk," Ginny started, but Harry cut her off.

"Ginny, I know what you saw last night. I was high, and yes, I am addictes to Heroin. Its the only escape I have..Ron's death was devastating to me, and i couldnt gt him out of my head. I didnt know what to do, so i tried to forget..and so far, this is what works. It makes me numb for awhile. I need it." and with that, she picked up the needle, and shot up, right in front of Ginny. She looked at him in horror, he had the audacity to do it right in front of her when she was here, begging him to stop?! But just as she thought it, Harry made a strange gurgling sound that made her freeze. "Harry?" The noise came again, and she watched as all the color drained from his face, and his lips turned blue. "Harry, what the hell is the matter with you?!" she yelled, her voice laden with panic, her eyes swimming with tears. She shook him, slapped him, yelled his name, anything for a sign of life, but none came. At this point, she ran to the phone and called a muggle ambulence. When she returned to the couch, Harry's breath had slowed dramatically. He was down to 11 breaths a minute when he lost conciousness. His body went limp, and his head fell onto the pillow. Ginny was hysterical now, screaming and yelling for help, when the fuck was this ambulence going to come? It had seemed like forever since she called.

She sat there next to his hospital bed for a moment, remembering what had happened only 2 hours ago. He needed it? This drug was destroying him, and he talked about it like he was in love with it! How in the world was she going to make him stop, when she couldnt even make herself stop drinking? "Harry, you cant keep on living like this..look at yourself. This heroin is ruining you. Your body is wasting away, your killing yourself! I cant bear the thought of losing you. PLEASE STOP, I need you, I...Harry, I love you." she said these last three word at barely more thn a whisper, so quietly that he had to lean into her voice to hear it. When he caught what she said, his breath hitched.

Harry looked into the mirror. His body was skeletal, having been skinny already before he started using heroin. His arms were full of tracks. He was a pathetic sight, but it didnt phase him. Even right now, with Ginny asking him to stop, all he thought about was getting her to leave so he could shoot up. He knew he was addicted. He knew he couldnt, or for thatr matter, didnt want to, stop. What was the point in trying? "Ginny.." he said, exasperated.

His voice trailed off. She looked into his eyes, and saw there was no hope, at least not right now. She shook her head and got up to leave. Suddenly, Harry grabbed her, spun her around, and kissed her. The kiss was long and deep. She had waited for this for a long time. But a moment later, realization stole over Ginny, and she pushed him abruptly away. "Im not getting involved with a heroin addict. You'll be nothing but another emotional burden, I dont need it." and with that, walked swiftly out the door, leaving a hurt Harry in her wake. Ginny was right. He cant carry on like this. This obsession was not healthy, and he needed to stop, and that was exaclty what he was going to do.


	4. A day in Detox

He woke up in the same position he was in when Ginny left, and groggily, he woke and dressed. The first thought it in his head getting high. He ignored it, and trudged out the hospital door, On his way to Diagon Alley for some potoin supplies and a new couldron. Just as he passed the Magical Menagerie, he doubled over in pain. Earlier in the day, he had been sweating profusely, mind you, it was a cold day - but he brushed it off as nothing. He instantly regretted not recognizing it as a withdrawl symptom, as the pain in his abdomen was now unbearable. The pains stopped, but he was left with a feeling of extreme discomfort. He started to shake, and goosebumps erupted all over his body. He felt nausous, and threw up in the street. He knew he needed to go to a hoispital, and now. He knew just the one.

He made his way through the streets, eventually making it to the heart of London, where the entrace to St. Mungo's was. He walked up to the entrance to the hospital, where the ugly female dummy was. He said he needed to see a doctor, and she nodded. He walked through the glass, and into the lobby. He asked the welcome witch where to go, but they didnt have a floor for addictions, or anything that would have helped him. "I think you need to go to a muggle rehabilitation center. They are places muggles go to get themselves off muggle drugs." she explained. As he walked out of the hospital, he got his first craving of the day. He tried to ignore it, but it was hard. He went to one of the addresses the welcome witch wrote down, and checked himself in.

The people at the rehab center were very nice. They showed him around the hospital, and explained the rules. He had to give them his belt, his jewelry, and his wand. They, of course, didnt know this was a magic wand, but it was what they would consider a weapon. Harry didnt like this idea at first, but what was he going to need it for here? So he gave it up, and traipsed to his room, where he met his roommate, Kelly. She was a fat girl with red and black hair, green eyes, and freckles all over her. He couldnt believe the amount of freckles this girl had. He also thought it was strange that they let men and women sleep in the same room. Kelly explained why she was there. "I am addicted to cocaine. I have been for years. My boyfriend was the one who got me started." she said this with a strange sort of emotion in her eyes, he couldnt quite figure out which one. "I got caught a couple of days ago," she went on. "my boyfriend also got me into selling. I never thought it would get so bad, so fast. I almost died of an overdose, and would have, if Robbie, thats my boyfriend, didnt find me on the floor. I was having a seizure. He called 911, and the cops came with them. I had 3 grams of coke in the house. They wanted to charge me with posession with the intent to sell, but they said if I came here and cleaned up, they would let it go. So, here I am."

Harry didnt know what posession with the intent to sell was, but he couldnt ask her. The nurse entered the room, and asked him to follow her. She explained that right now, he was in detox. They would give him a medicine that would eliminate the withdrawls, and the pain. The medicine had knocked him out cold, and he slep most of the next day.


	5. Ginny's Inner Hell

Ginny sat in her house, a million thoughts going through her head. Ever since Harry overdosed, all she could do was drink. Every night, she drank herself into a depression. She thought about every bad element in her life, and even made bad of all the good ones. She felt all alone, despite having Hermione and Harry. Neither of them knew the private hel she put herself through. The thoughts in her head were enough to drive anyone to a suicide. So, it was just inevitable that she would do just that.

The final decision was made only 12 days after Harry entered Rehab. She thought that night about how many times Hermione had visited Harry. She was so jealous of their relationship. Even when they were kids, how much time they spent together. She figured everyone else would be so much happier without her, and walked to the kitchen to write her suicide note. Sad eyes stared at a blank peice of paper, every thought in her head screaming to be released onto sixteen bars. This one page would not be enough, but she would make it work.She would just write a note to each person, and sign it with a kiss. She started first with her Mother's.

0000000000000

Mummy, Daddy -

I know this is not the way you want me to go. The care and compassion you showered me with were amazing, Im so lucky to have parents like you. But it is not you that has led me to suicide, it was the death of my hero, your son, Ron Weasley. We were closer than anyone knew, and his death has literally killed me. I just wanted to let you know how much I loved you, and to tell you this is not your fault. You loved me so much, and i leave here knowing that. Please do not be so sad, I dont want you to cry over me..Im not worth it. So carry on with your lives, as though I am still there. Because I want you to know that I am. I am with you in your hearts, and will meet you again when you pass. Thank you for everything you did for me. I love you more than you know.

Ginevra Weasley.

0000000000000

Harry -

Did you know that i never fell out of love with you? After everything you went through, I felt as though I should be the one you cried with. It should have been I who kissed you in fifth year, not Cho Chang. I burned with jealousy when I heard you were on that date with her, finding that my plan was not working. You were supposed to notice me. But I got my chance, sixth year, when you yet again broke my heart. You broke up with me at the funeral after everything I worked for. Nothing I did seemed good enough to be with you. So I bided my time, just hoping I would get another chance with you. But no, even after you defeated Voldemort, you still did not run into my arms. I waited and waited, and i thought after you overdosed you would figure it out. You needed me, I needed you. Why Couldnt you see that?

But thats in the past, and my suicide is IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT! I know you would try to blame yourself, but please dont. Also, dont be too sad over me, do not cry over me...Im not worth it. But just know that I love you, and will still love you when we meet again..someday. Until then..

Ginny

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Hermione -

I know my suicide will hit you especially hard, you were my best friend. I loved you always. You were there for me, you gave me advice, and although you didnt know it, I looked up to you a great deal. You were so smart, so pretty, and so brave! All those things you, Harry, and Ron did were amazing, and i know they couldnt have done it without your brains. I envid the smarts, the beauty, the braveness in you that I lacked. But most of all, I envied the relationship you had with Harry. But its ok, you will all be happier without me, in the long run. Please, do not cry over me...im not worth it. Just know that I died with all of you in my hearts, you are all amazing people. I love you all! Goodbye.

Ginny

0000000000000

After writing the notes, Ginny lay down the pen she used with a violently shaking hand. She opened the bathroom mirror, and moved various pill bottles and over the counter meds until she saw the pair of scissors. She picked them up, and studied them for a second. Just the right sharpness to cut through the delicate, freckled skin on her wrists. She bought the blade to the tip of her finger and pricked it with the tip. A small red bubble seeped out of the tiniest wound, growing bigger and bigger. Ginny watched it until it burst, and fell to the floor where it formed a grim splatter on the floor. Every emotion in the book stole over Ginny. A tear slid slowly down her cheek, and came to rest on her baby blue shirt. Soon, one tear became a whole torrent, and she found herself falling to the floor, crying heavily. She was scared. But in her head, she knew no one wanted her around. So she stood up, still sobbing, and let the blade rest on the skin of her wrist. Deep inside, she prayed for the courage to press down. For a fleeting moment, she thought of calling someone for help. But the thought of Hermione at that hospital gave her all the courage she needed. She pressed down on the blade, and dragged it in a straight line up her forearm. She let out a scream, and the next thing she knew, the floor, the walls, the ceiling, were spinning away from her. Everything went dark, and she saw Ron, beckoning her through a door. She felt the best she ever felt in her life. It was a feeling of welcome, something she had been craving for a long time.


	6. The Relapse and awakening

Harry was sitting in his room with Hermione when there was a knock at the door. He had been in the rehab center for almost 2 weeks now. A nurse entered, wearing a solemn look on her face. She looked over at Kelly and asked if they could have some privacy, and watched her back as she left. He had the feeling the nurse was uncomfortable, which was extremely true. She had never had to tell someone they lost a loved one. "Hello, nurse. Something wrong?" asked Hermione. Harry wasnt feeling very well at the moment.

"Are you Hermione?" she asked.

"Yes.." Hermione was worried now, she didnt like the sad look in her eyes.

The nurse sat on the bed, and it groaned under the sudden weight. "I have some bad news. Your friend, Ginny Weasley..she..Im sorry, this is hard for me. She committed suicide last night, she cut her wrists. She left each of you a note. Do you want them now?"

Hermione and Harry stared at the nurse, stationary tears in their eyes, in complete shock. Hermione collapsed on the floor and sobbed. Her only girlfriend was gone..her other best friend is in a mental hospital, and her lover dead. She went completely empty inside. The feelings she felt swelled up inside of her, threatening to overcome her. She let out a wail of complete sorrow and loss. She sobbed onto Harry's shoulder.

Harry was a different story. Sadness, anger, denial, confusion, and greif welled inside harry like a hurricane. The tears started, then he started to throw things around the room. How the fuck could Ginny do this to him?! The fucking bitch tell him she loves him then kills herself?! He loved her, too! He was going to make it clear when he left this fucking place. This was the straw to break the camel's back. He lost it. Throwing Hermione out of th way, he ran to the door, past the confused nurses, past the security guard, who he had to knock out to stop him from keeping him there, past the gates of the rehab, past the parking lot, and into the street. He listened as his feet pounded the ground, one after the other, until he was turning down his street. He stopped at the door, remembering his keys and everything else were at the rehab center, and instead broke into his own house. He tore into his bedroom, knowing he had a stash there somewhere. He threw his bed aside, upturned his dresser, and broke his closet door before he found it. He had a big bag down in one of his shoes he always kept there. He grabbed the bag, and ran to get it ready. Finally sitting down on the couch, he bought a shaky hand, with a needle in it to his arm. He found the vein and pounded the needle into it. He applied pressure to the top of the needle, forcing relief into him. Within seconds, he was floating on a cloud, away from Ginny, Ron, and everyone else. He forgot them for a breif amount of time, all he needed. Finally satisfied, he let himself drift off to sleep, but not before turning on the radio. Almost as if the song was on a cd, immediatlely, the first note of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" wafted through the speaker. He started at the cieling, listening to these calmig lyrics, speaking to his soul.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvx

Hello.  
Is there anybody in there?  
Just nod if you can hear me.  
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.  
I hear youre feeling down.  
Well I can ease your pain,  
Get you on your feet again.

Relax.  
I need some information first.  
Just the basic facts:  
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.  
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.  
You are only coming through in waves.  
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.  
When I was a child I had a fever.  
My hands felt just like two balloons.  
Now I got that feeling once again.  
I cant explain, you would not understand.  
This is not how I am.  
I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.  
Just a little pinprick. [ping  
Therell be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!  
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?  
I do believe its working. good.  
Thatll keep you going for the show.  
Come on its time to go.

There is no pain, you are receding.  
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.  
You are only coming through in waves.  
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.  
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,  
Out of the corner of my eye.  
I turned to look but it was gone.  
I cannot put my finger on it now.  
The child is grown, the dream is gone.  
I have become comfortably numb.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvxvx

A great sadness enveloped Harry. He let the tears flow freely, as he turned the volume up to full blast. He sobbed there for hours. Every memory he had with Ginny overwhelmed him. The light was slowly receding. Harry looked over at the window. The sun was setting now, almost as if it was a sign. He decided he can never do this again, he must never use Heroin. This time, he would do it right. He would finish detox, he would go through the whole rehab program, and get his life back on track..he wanted kids someday, he cant be addicted to heroin. But it was not going to be easy. But what part of life ever is?


End file.
